i ponned school today. not that i'm really sick, im a little sick though for your info, mild sore throat and a block nose but i just used that as an excuse to pon school. usually, when i pon school, the main reason is laziness but today, it's a totally different story.
i dread going to school.
yes yes, the stress is still there. i really dont want to go to school. the thought of the upcoming workload is enough to make me feel stressed up, i wonder what will happen when the real workload comes.
should i go jc instead? i'm really thinking of that option.
poly? my family will kill me even though it's really promising now.
maybe i should start praying and ask God for help? i think i should do that. i know that there's no easy out of this situation. my family wealth capacity does not allow me to do so. i'll just have to go through this shit time. ):
i have also no idea why i chose acsib in the first place. primarily, i thought that ib means no A's levels which means easy. but no, it's more rigorous and the daily work is tougher than the toughest beef jerky ever. that, i did not know.
so i blindly followed the propaganda told by some equally blind crowd and damm, i got jacked. damm jacked. correction, im still being jacked. DAMM IT.
and now i have no idea what i want to be.
before O's and the prelims and during the post o's period, i was very clear what i wanted to head into. now, it's just a mess.
why am i taking a course that leads to medicine? i have no idea why either. and why are the top 3 university courses i want to take is medicine, law and finance. i still remember finance being my future job two months ago. why is it my subjects im taking does not exactly reflect that choice?
don't ask me now. i'm really clueless. i think i'm sinking into a dumb depression and a depression that when someone ask me what happened and when i tell them, they will just laugh straight in my face.
this sucks. i can still remember being sian, lonely and bored to the worst extent ever but i never felt that shitty in my life before till now.
tell you how i feel now. scared and worried for my o's. clueless about life. stressed up over school and the next two years. sucidal ( i know my parents will kill me if they see this and my sisters will think im weird). emotional ( no idea, can just burst up in tears).
and no, i think cutting my wrist is a stupid solution so don't tell me that or you will end up with a box to the eye.
at sec 3 and sec 4, i wished i was back in sec 1 and 2. now, i just wished i'm back to sec 4, back to kindergarten will be a bonus. i have enough talking of the past in so many of my older posts. it sucks having no goals. i used to be determined and really sure what i want to achieve. now, i just want to sleep and wait till the coffin days.
i just hope what i said to mag last night will happen. i really hope my o's will decide my pre-u or poly path. i will not probe into that further until i feel better about my current shithole i'm in.
you realised something? there's less bitching or no bitching in this post? i just realised that. i'm not a trashy/crappy person when i probe into my deepest thoughts and my obstacles. on msn, my hahaha(s) are just a mask to cover my shit now.
this shit might not be as bad as some of my friends back in sas. some really ruined their whole future, perhaps they can reverse it? i just hope so.
i wonder whether leslie's scholarship to the us is easy. i think us is doing ib too but it would be easier as americans are one of the stupidest people in the world. i just hope i can get whole of that same scholarship but that would be really out of the mind.
where in the world can i get the same tennis coaches connections as tiong?
life is unfair but it's made in this way so reader's digest can profit from it.
i don't want to stay home but home beats going to school anytime. and it's raining now. adds to the mood. thanks but no thanks, i need nothing of that now. maybe this is a test from God? i don't know and my my i'm so holy now and it's weird but weird in a good sense. it's never bad being holy. but too holy to the extent of bloody crusades is ...
