so i had my shower and this hymn struck my head once again. it is my favourite hymn by the way. it is titled, "i know who holds tomorrow". i know it sounds really funny that i have a favourite hymn since i am a non-believer and at times, some people would refer me to the anti-christ (which is really sad). well, whatever, im going to post the lyrics here because this song is really meaningful to me.
I don't know about tomorrow; I just live from day to day. I don't borrow from its sunshine For its skies may turn to grey. I don't worry o'er the future, For I know what Jesus said. And today I'll walk beside Him, For He knows what lies ahead.
Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand But I know who holds tomorrow And I know who holds my hand.
Every step is getting brighter As the golden stairs I climb; Every burden's getting lighter, Every cloud is silver-lined. There the sun is always shining, There no tear will dim the eye; At the ending of the rainbow Where the mountains touch the sky.
those are just part of it. listening to it on youtube makes my eyes all welled-up. it took me on a memory walk. all the good and bad memories, you guys seem so near but i can never have you back.
well, to be honest, i know i am dismissive of the faith at times but i truly believe he exists. i know it. he did answered my prayers. i am really thankful he did. honestly, he provided that miracle for me but recently, i havent been the best of a person in the context of the faith. i have said a lot of nasty things and i wish to take it back but i have said it then and i meant it. i feel terrible. i dont know whats wrong with me. i used to be so very close to you. even my particulars embedded in my nric barcode say i am part of your ministry. i drifted far away and i wish i could be closer. it is just that i do not know how to start. i was reading some articles online and it struck me hard on why cant my family be just like any family that goes to church regularly. wouldnt that be simple enough. and to make it even more difficult, my family less my mum has a relatively strong repulsion towards you. i love my mum and i want to be with her eternally when the road takes its end. i love my sisters and dad too but urrgh this is too difficult. i am going to med school soon and i really need you. i know i need you as even my sisters needed you through their tertiary education. i do want to graduate as a doctor and really do something meaningful as one with your grace. i know you are reading or listening to what i am saying. help me out. i feel ashamed only coming to you when i really need you. i feel so ashamed that flagellation seems like the only way to atone for what i have done but i do know jesus went through it for my sake (if i am a believer?) my my, this is so confusing. i used to pray on a regular basis for the clarity of mind and i really hope that comes in soon enough because my head is really in a bad mess. rach once told me that it is not the people but rather, the personal relationship i have with you. i guess it is right because my christian family members(less my mum again) are stonch christians but they do not really uphold the virtue of one. i guess rach was right. i am sorry to you and rach for dismissing that for the sake of putting the wrong point through. i was deluded by the actions of others rather than focusing on the foundation of our realtionship. i have always been so afraid of speaking out the truth, always assuming judgements being made about me by others but recently, i have been blatant about every single thing (but still remaining a little tact with it) and i thought i should be honest to you too. well, i know you do know everything but i know you would rather like it that i am saying this. okay, i am sorry that this may be too public as a way to say it out because i do not know how this works actually. i have heard of an "alone time with you" from rach. that is why i do not know whether i should be hush hush on this or posting here is too much. well, the main point is that, you heard me. and this place isnt that visible to public too, no one cares about this site anymore. okay, maybe that is why i am typing it out here because hardly or rather, no one comes here. okay God, i guess i have said my fill. i am not even sure whether this is a pray since i am not closing my eyes, clasping my hands together and bowing my head. okay, i shall do it now with a "in jesus name i pray" followed by a verbal amen. i hope that is okay with you.
maybe the breakup was a sign from you to bring me back to your arms. well, it did affect me emotionally and got my mind a mess but as the hymn said, every cloud there's a silver line. i am glad that i have finally said all of these to you and everyone whom i needed to say something to (especially for rach). others may not understand but i know you and i do. thank you.
ps: yuanie or yime, if you chanced upon this. do know i am feeling really down now while you guys are in Australia. i did not tell you and probably wont until you chance upon this because i guess it will make me sad or ignite this thing that i have found out if i have gotten over it when you see this. sorry about not telling you.
